Thursday, March 09, 2006

Club Membership: One

"Perfect."

That's what I told my husband Thomas Friedman when he showed me his latest column ("Letting India in the Club?") before he turned it in. I was sure he'd come off like the biggest idiot on the op-ed page and he did.

Though Maureen Dowd gave him a close run with her "Nipping and Tucking on Both Coasts." Comparing plastic surgery to lying a nation into war was one of her loonier moments. Fortunately for her, Thomas Friedman tried for sincerity which is always wackier than when he's trying to coin phrases.

He can't help it, he's just not concerned with or about anyone but himself. Just this morning, on our way out, a woman called, "Hold the elevator, Mr. Friedman."

While we waited for her to join us, Thomas Friedman was pursing his lips and mouthing "Hold the elevator." Then he started looking at his watch and muttering, "What is her problem! How long is this going to take!"

When the woman joined us, she smiled and Thomas Friedman mocked her behind her back. When we got to the first floor, Thomas Friedman could no longer hide his superior attitude.

"Okay, that's it, move your butt, old lady! Some of us have lives to live!"

I apologized to the woman and, on the street after, scolded Thomas Friedman for yelling, "She's eighty-two and uses a walker."

"So she should use it! It's Thursday! The only day Soon-yi doesn't work at Dollar China! Hurry up! We'll miss the won ton soup!"

"Liang!" I corrected. "Thomas Friedman, you are so anti-social."

"Nonsense," Thomas Friedman replied, "I love people."

"Gail Collins?"

"I said people," Thomas Friedman spat out increasing his stride and pushing two people out of the way as he ran to the door.

After helping the blind man and the nun up from the sidewalk, and explaining to the nun that she hadn't been shoved by John Bolton, I walked over to Thomas Friedman and pointed out that they didn't unlock the front door for five more minutes.

"Torture!" Thomas Friedman yelped banging on the door and hopping from foot to foot as though he needed to visit the little boy's room.

"Won ton soup! Won ton! Won ton! Won ton!" he hollered.

And that's the Thomas Friedman that wrote Wednesday's column.

He wants what he wants, when he wants it and how he wants it. Which is why he can "applaud President Bush's desire" after so recently slamming him. It's why he can write that India is a "beacon of tolerance and stability" one sentence after nothing, in passing, "today's bombings in India." Why he can see nuclear as a good thing. Why he can see it as a "club."

He'd told himself no more Ritz crackers and canned cheese until he finished his column. So it was rush-rush, "Let them have this, but not . . . This is good, that is bad . . ." while all he was wanting was to stick the can of cheese in his mouth and inhale.

The pages weren't even done spitting out of the ink jet printer before he was wolfing down his cheese and crackers.

Mouth full, he asked me, "So what do you think?"

Before I could answer, he was tossing the can in the trash and asking, "More cheese?"

Thomas Friedman's focus is always Thomas Friedman.

That's why he feigns interest in other nations. He can reduce entire people to cab drivers and "local color" -- when he bothers to mention them at all. It's much easier to "address issues" when you can render the people invisible. So he poses as the global Robin Leach, dashing here and there, instead of really addressing an issue, he toys with it as only someone truly disinterested in the world around him can. Nepal? It matters about as much to him as the Senate's "cure" for the NSA spying.











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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Chicken Lays An Egg

likes to pretend he grapples with the big issues of our times. This from the man who spent forty minutes this morning whining about the fact that the elastic had gone out of his Hanes briefs.

"Why does it happen, Bettina? Why?"

Because you're grossly overweight?

Because all that canned cheese and Ritz crackers has to go somewhere?

No, no, he insisted. There was a cosmic reason.

It reminded me of his column last Friday, "The Big Question."

Headlines can be so misleading. But Thomas Friedman likes to believe everything about him is "big." Reality's never born that out.

So wanting to grab some of the attention that and have been getting, Thomas Friedman decides to pen his anti-war statement. Friedman being Friedman, he couldn't pull it off.

He sees war as a more orderly version of a global McDonalds. It's something to get the riff-raff motivated.

So the most he can do is offer a chicken v. egg scenario as he attempted to wonder whether Iraq was the way it was due to Saddam Hussein or whether that's just the way 'those people' are?

He never could figure out his 'riddle.' He lost interest in it as he chased down even more pedistrian phrases. For instance, "This is the season of decision."

Thomas Friedman really does picture himself as the coach in Hoosiers. I'm not sure what, if anything, that has to do with his fondness for hunting down fake nudes online of the male cast members of Saved By The Bell, but he really does see himself as the one who can deliver that inspirational speech right before the fourth quarter and get the 'team' to give it up for God and Glory.

That's why he acts like we're on the verge of seeing the war lose public support. Oh, seer Friedman, tell me next whether the paper arrived yesterday? Did the milk go sour this morning?

If there's anything larger than his ass, it's his sense of self-importance.

And I'm done trying to bring him down to earth. I think I'll just feed into it. Watch him humiliate himself even further. As though praising L. Paul Bremer's book isn't humiliating enough. He's practically Dexter Filkins, so deep is his denial, so self- righteous his finger pointing.

He did it Friday. His big anti-war column turned out to be more half-assed denial from the man who's next book should be called The Brain Is Dead. Till then, he keeps clucking because he just laid another egg.






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Thursday, March 02, 2006

A "social lunch" at the New York Timid

Life with Thomas Friedman. It's never calm. It's never rewarding, but it's never calm.

So Gail Collins is having some problems with his columns and calls us both in for a meeting because she seems to think she and I are still friends.

"Bring your wife," she tells Thomas Friedman. "It's really more of a social lunch."

The first topic on the list is his column from yesterday, "Who's Afraid of a Gas Tax?"

"Uh, the whole paper, fat ass!" Gail snaps at him.

Obviously, her idea of a "social lunch" differs from most.

"Well, I had a problem the week before," I offer spearing my salad and wondering who told Gail Collins that a salad qualified for "a lunch." Especially a salad that consisted of nothing more than iceberg lettuce and ranch dressing.

I look up and see Gail Collins is glaring at Thomas Friedman and he's got his beady eyes fixed on her unibrow.

"You are supposed to make the world safe for neo-liberalism," Gail says not blinking. "You are not supposed to advocate higher taxes."

It was like watching two wide-eyed cats as both continued to stare without blinking.

I study them for a few minutes as I try to eat the "salad."

"Gail, this isn't really cutting it."

"What's that, Betinna?"

"Look at this," I say waving my fork over "the salad."

"You have to request tomatoes! They are extra!" Gail Collins snaps, pulling open a drawer in her desk, grabbing her purse, digging around for something and then slapping a bit of a tomato on top of the lettuce. One. A single slice.

They really go all out at the New York Timid.

Pushing the plate aside, I clear my throat with the hope of catching their attention.

But they're doing their war dance and I think they're strangely excited by it.

"Okay, in 'Empty Pockets, Angry Minds,' my husband Thomas Friedman --"

" 'The great Thomas Friedman'," Thomas Friedman corrects me.

"Don't push it," I reply. "In that column, he wrote about the desecration of the Koran and trotted out the tired fiction that the Newsweek article on the Koran led to violence."

"Betina, I'm working from a list here," Gail huffed. "I will get to the positives shortly."

"But Jon Lee Anderson disproved that fiction."

"Who?" they both cried out as though we were doing call-and-response.

"Jon Lee Anderson."

"I really don't know that name," Gail Collins snapped.

"He writes for The New Yorker."

"Nonsense, Jane Mayer is The New Yorker!"

"Okay," I say determined to make this point, "Karzai was out of the country, he was here in the United States. The night letter was a call to violence while he was out of the country."

Gail looked at Thomas Friedman, he looked at her, they both started giggling.

"Silly, Betinna, you shouldn't believe everything you read unless it's in the New York Timid," Thomas Friedman giggled studying his salad.

"Oh, heavens yes!" Gail Collins giggled. "Dear Betinna, always so easily taken in!"

Thomas Friedman began chortling and the less said about that the better.

So they knew nothing of Jon Lee Anderson's article? I guess they hadn't assigned a reporter to do a book report the week that story ran in The New Yorker?

Having bonded over a common enemy, Bully Boy and the Shi'ites proceeded to . . . Woops, Gail Collins and Thomas Friedman found themselves in harmony for the rest of the "lunch." He asked for more ranch dressing, she drug out her purse again and tossed him a few packets. They muched like two cows grazing. I found myself thinking of the Nina Simone song "Pirate Jenny" and how I could apply it to my own life.

As lunch wound down, Gail pulled me aside to tell me that her efforts weren't working on Davey Brooks. How strange, she was telling him that she was really, really into animals -- large farm animals? Yes, she had.

"I'm beginning to think he doesn't like animals," Gail whispered.

"Oh, I'm sure that's not the case, Gail. You just need to try harder. By the way, congratulations on the new hire. Linda Lavin was always so good on Alice," I said sailing past a very confused Collins.







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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Thomas Friedman's one moment of public truth

President's Day. Thomas Friedman appeared to think it was his day. After ignoring his 'friends' (and events in the world) for some time, he's facing some difficult truths. Don't worry, he'll shortly spin them in his favor. But Monday was a moment of him realizing he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.

These are very rare moments, so I do try to enjoy them when they pop up.

He was hoping to have his "friends" Davey Brooks, Nicky K, Todd S. Purdum and Dexter Filkins over for an indoor picnic today. He invited them last week.

Davey Brooks first question was whether or not Gail Collins would be here? Thomas Friedman's been pissed at her due to the fact that she's placed him on a Frequent Suspension list. Thomas Friedman swore no way in hell would "the Furby" be invited.

Davey needed more assurances.

"She's insane, Friedman, insane!" he screamed over speaker phone. "She's been brushing up against me and telling me she loves animals, loves them, really, really loves them. 'I'm into animals,' she says. Then she starts talking about how she loved this horse called Black Beauty when she was entering puberty! I'd thought of asking her out but now . . . Where would I take her? The kennals?"

I was so delighted to know that the plan had worked out. But Davy could not be convinced that Gail Collins would not be attending, no matter how many reassurances Thomas Friedman gave him.

Finally, Thomas Friedman rang off, hollering, "It's your own damn fault for stuffing that sock!"

He then turned to me and instructed me to call Nicky K.

What am I, his social secretary? But Thomas Friedman insisted. He said that since I was so close to Mrs. K, it made more sense for me to call.

Wanting to shut the husband up, I dialed. But made the mistake of doing the call on speaker phone.

"Betinna!" Mrs. K exclaimed. "It's so good to hear from you. How have you been?"

Seeing Thomas Friedman pacing back and forth, with his shorty robe riding up in the back, I knew this had to be a quick call if I was going to spare myself the torture of his fat ass on parade. Best to get the point and hope he'd plop that hefty rear back down on the couch in time to catch his "story" (NBC's Passions.)

"Thomas Friedman wants to throw an indoor picnic Monday, for Presi -- er, for Thomas Friedman Day," I said.

"Oh, that man's ego!" Mrs. K laughed. "It's as large as his ass. Let me check with Nicky."

At the talk of his ass, Thomas Friedman froze and began attempting to crane his neck to get a look at his butt. I can't believe it was that difficult for him to see, it is huge, after all.

"Betinna?" Mrs. K asked.

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"Uh, well, Nicky's not feeling well . . . I know it's only Wednesday, but he's sure that he'll be sick on Monday, so we're going to have to say no. I'm sorry."

"I am sick!" I heard Nicky K yell in the background. "Sick of his fat ass, his brow beating! Who does he think he is? And do you know it's been months since he even called? Friends don't do that! I've taken a lot of his crap over the years, insults, cheap jokes, choking, but I will not be overlooked as if I am merely another one of The New York Times' many grievous errors! Tell him he can lick my . . . He can lick my . . . He knows what he can lick!"

"Gotta' go, Betinna," Mrs. K said hanging up.

"Lick his what?" Thomas Friedman roared. "His balls? He'd have to have a set for me to lick 'em!

Thomas Friedman never comes off more camp/fem than when he's trying to butch it up.

It's like watching Grizzly Adams' hairer sister flounce around in a shorty robe.

It got worse when he invited Dexter Filkins. A shouting match ensued over the phone.

"You are not in Iraq! Well, if you are, if, if you are, you can write your crap just as easy from here as you do from there. It's not like you ever leave the Green Zone! What's a matter, Dexy, you in love with Burns!"

It wasn't pretty. The whole time Thomas Friedman was sneering "protege," I kept thinking he was realizing how badly he'd burned his bridges with Nicky K. The two used to be so close. Nicky K looked up to him. It was like watching the little kid with Rosalind Russell in Mame. Those days are gone.

He never did reach Toddy Purdum. Maybe Todd was finally washing out that jock now that he's moved over to Vanity Fair? I can't imagine they'd enjoy the fumes ("groove on" Thomas Friedman always says) the way the paper of record did. (Unless they wanted something to counter the sickeningly sweet smell from those perfume strips hidden in every issue.)

So it went for Thomas Friedman. Each invitation, turned down.

He spent all Wednesday night screaming, "What do you do when bad things happen to good people!"

By Thursday, I was irritated at having to wait two hours to get into the bathroom (he was taking his bubble bath -- "Stars must be pampered, Betinna!") so when he finally emerged, I said, "What good people? You're good people?"

He fussed and fretted over that before finding another way to slam Arabs in a column.

It was the usual McCheese from the mind that badly demonstrates over 12 million served. But there was one item of truth in it:

Who knows whether any of this is true.

Not a question, a statement. And one I think can apply to each and every one of his columns. I like to think of that statement as "The Confession of Saint Thomas."

So Presidents' Day came and went like any other except for the cake I had to bake and frost. "Thomas Friedman's Day" it read. He pulled himself away from Days of Our Lives and Passions long enough to say, "I want an end piece. I really big end piece. I like the really big ends."

I was too tired to voice the obvious comeback.









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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Found in the paper

In the United Kingdom today, over 200 people gathered at St Nicholas and Writhington Church, in Radstock, Somerset for the funeral of Corporal Gordon Pritchard who died in Basra on January 31, 2005 becoming the 100th British soldier to die in Iraq. 101 British troops have died in Iraq, official count. Gordon Pritchard, who was 31 years-old, is survived by his wife Julie-Ann and his children Stacey, Harrison and Summer.

Alexander Panetta, of the Associated Press, is reporting that Canada's Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay maintains that "latest intelligence" indicates that the four memebers of Christian Peacemaker Teams are still alive. The four members, kidnapped in November, were last seen in a January 29th videotape. The four members are:

James Loney, 41, of Toronto;
Harmeet Singh Sooden, 32, a former Montreal resident;
Tom Fox, 54, of Clear Brook, Va.,
and Norman Kember, 74, of London [. . .]

Sunday's upsurge in violence continued on Monday. Reuters is reporting that bombings in Mosul and Baghdad today killed "at least 19 people." The Associated Press reports that in Karbala one American soldier was killed in a bombing and that in Mosul, a bomber killed himself in a "restaurant packed with policemen eating breakfast, killing at least five people and wounding 21, including 10 policemen". The Department of Defense has identified Capt. Anthony R. Garcia of Fort Worth, Texas as one of the 34 US military fatalities this month. Garcia died of from gunshot wounds after a February 17th shooting that took place on a military base in Tikrit. Garcia is survived by his wife Doris and his children Kelly and Garrick.

Brian Zimmerman, of Gannet News, is reporting that questions still surround the shooting death of Army Reservist David Douglas who died two weeks after returning to the United States from a one-year stint in Iraq. Commenting on the violent deaths of many returning veterans, National Guardsman Alfonso Williams told Zimmerman:

You have a whole lot of built-up anger from being over there. . . . You can't explain (what it's like) to anybody. And to them, what they may think is screaming and hollering to you is a normal tone.

In 2005, the military reports that 136 active duty personnel committed suicide. No figures are kept for those who are inactive. The current number for US military fatalities in Iraq stands at 2276.

As Jane Mayer reported in The New Yorker, early warnings were ignored by the administration about the environment created for abuse of prisoners in Guantanamo. Noting that "Human rights are under threat," Amnesty International is calling for the closing of Guantanamo. Tuesday, Amnesty International will host a live online discussion:

Live chat with Moazzam Begg, ex Guantánamo detainee, on 21 February, 6-7pm GMT

Moazzam Begg, British citizen, was held for "nearly three years," as noted on Democracy Now!. Amnesty International's call echoes the call of the UN investigation team as well as the prime ministers of Germany, France, England and Malaysia. U.S. Charm Minister Karen Hughes, speaking to Al Jazeera, rejected calls to close Gitmo and reportedly maintained that not only are the people imprisoned in Guantanamo wanting to kill Americans but that some released "have gone back to fighting and killing Americans." If the report is accurate, it is surprising that such an assertion would be made by the Minister of Charm and not Bully Boy himself.

In this country, the Associated Press is reporting that Republican governors George Pataki (New York) and Robert Ehrlich (Maryland) have joined the chorus of voices objecting by administration plans to turn over control of "six major U.S. ports" to Dubai Ports World. Senators Robert Menendez (New Jersey) and Hillary Clinton (New York) are also objecting to the proposed plan. Speaking out against the plan involving the Arab company, Mendendez stated today, "We wouldn't turn over our customs service or our border patrol to a foreign government. We shouldn't turn over the ports of the United States, either."

Feminist Wire Daily is reporting that CWIG (Center for Women in Government and Civil Society) has conducted a study on "the percentage of women in policy-making positions - such as state legislators, elected officials, high court judges, department heads, and top governor's advisors" for the years 1998 to 2005 and found that the rate of growth for women in those positions increased by only 1.6% -- "from 23.1 percent to 24.7 percent." FWD notes:

Slow progress for women in state government has national implications, says Debbie Walsh, director of the Center for American Women in Politics at Rutgers. State and local office serve as a "pipeline" to draw women into national politics. Not to mention, adds Walsh, state legislatures themselves are "making a tremendous amount of policy" –- in 2005, 48 state legislatures considered over 500 anti-choice bills.

On the national level, NOW notes, that although "almost nine million more women voted than men" only fourteen women serve in the United States Senate and only sixty-seven in the House, while of the fifty governors in the United States, only eight are women.

As noted on Sunday's KPFA Evening News, Saturday Feb. 25th, a Counter-Recruiting workshop will be held, open to the public, from 2 to 5pm at the Veterans' Memorial Building, Room 219, 401 Van Ness Ave. March 1st is the National Law Student Day Against the Death Penalty (SDADP).

In other news, Philadelphia Indymedia is reporting that Governor Ed Rendell vetoed the Pennsylvania's Voter ID bill. Rendell, who spanked Casey Junior in the 2002 election race, stated, "I see no reason to enact laws that will result in voter confusion and disenfranchise legitimately registered voters." Member of Protect the Vote had successfully fought against the proposed legislation and were on hand for the veto ceremony.

In other civil liberties news, following what BuzzFlash has called "Just Your Average Week of the Bush Administration Betraying America," the ACLU features a snapshot of governmental spying/snooping in the form of Betty Ball who states:

It is true that I have become more motivated to work for justice and social change knowing that the government is abusing its powers like this. But I am worried about how far the government will go to squelch First Amendment rights and silence dissent. Will we all be rounded up and incarcerated? Already so many people have been frightened away from participating in our events, and have asked to have their names removed from our mailing lists, for fear of the consequences of associating with us. I hesitate to call people to discuss plans for rallies or protests because I don’t want them ending up in an FBI file labeled as a "domestic terrorist."

Meanwhile, author and activist Diane Wilson remains in a Victoria County jail in Texas. Wilson was arrested for unfurling a banner that read "Corporate Greed Kills--From Bhopal to Baghdad" at a Dick Cheney attended fundraiser in Houston on December 5, 2005. Wilson's banners are apparently too much for the delicate sensibilities of the foes of democracy. She is currently serving a 150 day sentence for a 2002 action where she climbed a Dow Jones tower and unfurled a banner which read "Justice For Bhopal." CODEPINK is calling for Wilson's release.

In other take action news, MediaChannel.org is asking you to Take Action: Demand Coverage of Able Danger (more info on the Able Danger program can be found at Able Danger Media Monitoring).

Finally, Monday's Democracy Now! featured:

"Readings From Howard Zinn's 'Voices of a People's History of the UnitedStates:'"
Today we spend the hour with readings from a Voices of a People's History of the United States edited by historian Howard Zinn and Anthony Arnove. It is the companion volume to Zinn's legendary People's History of the United States ­ which has sold over a million copies.We will hear dramatic readings of speeches, letters, poems, songs, petitions, and manifestos. These are the voices of people throughout U.S.history who struggled against slavery, racism, and war, against oppression and exploitation, and who articulated a vision for a better world. Performances include Danny Glover as Frederick Douglass, Marisa Tomei as Cindy Sheehan, Floyd Red Crow Westerman as Tecumseh and Chief Joseph, Sandra Oh as Emma Goldman and Yuri Kochiyama, and Viggo Mortensen as Bartolomeo de Las Casas and Mark Twain.

This entry was compiled by:

The Third Estate Sunday Review's Dona, Jess, Ty, Ava and Jim;
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude;
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man;
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review;
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills);
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix;
Mike of Mikey Likes It!;
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz;
and Wally of The Daily Jot.
























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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Thomas Friedman plays the woman scorned

Performing the dual roles of confessor and confessee, his own Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky, my husband Thomas Friedman found a new way to embarrass himself this week with "No More Mr. Tough Guy."

Thomas Friedman, for all his Joan Crawford drama posing, does not go over easy as a scorned woman. But there it was, for the whole world to see. His personal kiss-off letter to Dick Cheney. His "Dear, and Screw You, John" letter in Wednesday's New York Times.

The fly in his man tan? Laura Ingraham whom Dick Cheney now runs to. It's not as though Dick was ever Thomas Friedman's first choice. The whole world knew he was carrying the torch for Bully Boy so there's little chance that Dick didn't know as well. But it's always a shocker when your safety school denies you admission and there was Thomas Friedman boo-hoo-ing and vowing "No more."

Gail Collins actually found the column "sprite." She told me that during her "no hard feelings" call. No, Gail, no "hard feelings," no feelings at all. I don't waste time feeling anything for those not worthy of it. It's not my problem that in your racist little world Coretta Scott King's not worthy of an editorial or a column. Just like it's not my problem that no one ever taught you how to use a pair of tweezers.

And it certainly won't be my problem when Gail Collins brushes up against Davy Brooks, as I counseled her to do, and purrs, "I like farm animals."

She wanted an ice breaker. I told her to try that and to try to be sexual. That confused her, so I told her to act like she does when she stubs her big toe. She then managed to almost convincingly purr "I like farm animals."

"And I do," Gail told me in that chirpy voice. "I love horses and I loved Black Beauty when I was a little girl. That's a book, Betinna, don't start back up with that racist nonsense!"

"Wouldn't dream of it, Gail," I replied. "Just remember, 'I like farm aminals' while you press up against him."

"Do you really think he'll get the message?"

"I'm sure he will, Gail, I'm sure he will."

"Well whatever it takes. I am smitten with Mr. Brooks."

As she continued babbling on with what probably passed for girl talk at the turn of the century, the last century, I tuned her out and focused on Thomas Friedman standing before the mirror, trying on his new, red beret. Well Monica Lewinsky had a large ass too.







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Saturday, February 04, 2006

testing

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