Monday, November 14, 2005

Thomas Friedman's mind is like a bowl of Chex mix

"So what's it's like being married to a pot head?"

That's the question Mrs. K asked me.

She wasn't taking an attitude. She knows Nicky K is desperate to get in "the circle" with Thomas Friedman and John Tierney. But Thomas Friedman says, "If we start passing to nerds, it won't be cool anymore."

Thomas Friedman mistakenly believes he's cool. He and John Tierney are talking about looking at "hogs." They're also talking about space missions. They've talked about how Amtrack could be shut down and the cars turned into sushi bars. And whether the swine flu shots of the seventies were an attempt by the government to control population. Or whether or not the CIA targeted Connie Francis for her "radical ways."

Thomas Friedman swears that if you play "Where The Boys Are" backwards, you will hear Connie Francis saying, "Out of Vietnam now! End segregation! Paul is dead!"

On that one I did attempt to interject. I said the Beatles hadn't even reached our shores when Connie Francis recorded "Where the Boys Are."

"Reached our shores!" Thomas Friedman and John Tierney cried out in unison. "The war reached our shores on 9/11!"

If you've read Thomas Friedman's latest column ("Thou Shalt Not Destroy the Center"), you're familiar with that Friedman "logic."

I don't read John Tierney. If Thomas Friedman didn't pester me all day until I read his columns, I wouldn't read them either.

He's having visions. And has taken to prayer.

It's the pot.

Tierney swears it's "da bomb, the finest, all the way from Encino!" I think it must be sprayed with paraquat.

That would explain why Thomas Friedman has seen Jesus.

While chowing down on an entire bag of Cheetos (he swears they must have Vitaim C or they wouldn't be orange), Thomas Friedman explained Jesus appeared to him and Tierney. At first, Thomas Friedman says, he thought it was . . .

"Yanni, but Tierney was all like, 'Man, no, it's JC.' and I was all like damn, why couldn't it be Justin, why we got to see a NSYNC dude no one wants to see? But Tierney goes like no, the big 'JC' and I'm all, no way, that is not Johnny Carson! Tierney goes 'Dude, buy a clue from like the uh like clue store or something, it's Jesus Christ.' And I was all 'no' and he was all 'yeah' and I was like 'nooooo' and he was all 'yeeeaaaah' so I go 'Jesus?' and the dude goes 'Totally' and me and Tierney are looking at each other wondering what we do now, I mean like what's the etiquette in this kind of mind blowing situation so Tierney offers him a hit."

Having convinced himself that he really did see Jesus, Thomas Friedman wanted to spread the word. So he wrote Friday's column opening with a prayer. Originally it was to Jesus and not "Lord" as it ran in the paper.

It took forever to get him to drop Jesus. I said, "Thomas Friedman, you are Jewish!"

"They have Jews for Jesus."

I asked, "What? You're on a Bob Dylan trip now? You're going from Jew to Christian and then what? Back and forth again? Thomas Friedman, you are already wishy-washy enough without this."

There was no convincing him. I even told him about how the LA Times were firing op-ed writers. He hadn't heard about it. I told him it was everywhere.

Still he didn't believe me. So I had to point out the obvious.

The only people applauding him these days are hard line Zionists. If Thomas Friedman pisses them off, he'll be out on his ass. No job, no money. No job, no Dollar China.

He gasped at the thought of losing Dollar China.

But, because I pointed it out, he immediately dismissed it.

"Betinna, Pat Robertson would be thrilled to know I found Jesus. He would give me a job."

"Yes, but will you be happy slaving away in a diamond mine in Goma?"

The thought of physical labor was what finally did the trick and made Thomas Friedman drop the Jesus references.

But all the mail and phone calls and digs from Davy Brooks about being an American hater have gotten to him. Probably the street attacks from elderly women haven't helped there either.

I think it's the pot but he's convinced himself that the AARP is working to undermine him. He calls it a "Gentile conspiracy." Which convinces me all the more that "Jesus" was a projection on his part and not an actual vision. At any rate, he's stopped singing "Spirit in the Sky" which I'm taking as a positive sign.

So Friday's column was like a bowl of Chex mix, which is what his mind's like now, a little bit of everything and not enough of one thing to satisfy you.