Monday, September 12, 2005

How would Iraq respond?

Friday, Fat and Hairy Butt Cheeks got on my last nerve. That's how I like to think of my husband Thomas Friedman, "Fat and Hairy Butt Cheeks."

He sulked and whined.

It actually started Wednesday. He was convinced the prunes I was using for his prune juice were "substandard." Then he decided the produce guy was jealous of him and that there might be something harmful in them. Then he decided that there was something harmful in them. Then, and now we were at Thursday morning, he decided to "throw my wait around and let them know who the 800 pound gorilla was!"

Honestly, he could just moon them if he wanted them to know he was simian. Trust me, that butt has so much hair on it you could do cornrows with it.

Well the young guy didn't enjoy having some lunatic screaming at him, even one with frosted highlights.

He must have complained to his boss because that afternoon we received a letter entitled "Memo to Thomas Friedman: Do not shop here anymore."

Oh he was mad.

"Where will I get my prunes!"

He screamed and he sulked and he suggested that he needed a little "gut check time." I told him I wasn't in the mood.

"The whole world's against me!" he screamed.

I suggested that maybe they were just a little tired of his advice. Like Nicky K whom Thomas Friedman told Tuesday that not only did he look old, he looked like the fifth Golden Girl. Thomas Friedman told Nicky K he needed to start getting highlights like Thomas Friedman does.

"Nonsesne," Thomas Friedman sputtered to me. "Nicky K needs my advice. If I don't toughen him up, he'll continue being the whiney little candy ass he is. He needs my advice! You need my advice! The whole world needs my advice!"

That was his moood when he sat down to write his Friday column. Reading "New Orleans and Baghdad" wasn't surprising. He'd decided that with an inflamed Middle East, an invasion and occupation going on, and things hitting the fan daily, what Iraq really needed was a hard hitting locker room talk from him.

Honestly, I think he was the towel ball in high school. (He always corrects me, "Equipment Manager, Bettina, Equipment Manager. Big difference. Big.")

But there he is, once again, writing about something he knows nothing about.

I started fantasizing what would happen if Iraq wrote him back?

Memo to: Thomas Friedman
From: Iraq's Kurdish, Shiite and Sunnie leaders
Dear Sir:
As people living in strife, we have no idea why you attempted to add to our worries and troubles but we have a question for you, "Exactly who do you think you are?"
You do not live here, Mr. Friedman. We have not sought out your advice.
It must take a large ego to think an entire country awaits your advice.
Before your memo arrived, many of us were already of the opinion that America needs to stop "helping."
We're confused as to why you assume that your words were eagerly awaited.
Your remarks struck us as some sort of threat; however, that could just be the typical arrogance from a certain type of Americans who see us as simple-minded, child-like beings in need of guidance.
You inform us of opposition to your occupation in America.
We're amazed that you think, with all that is going on, that our biggest concern is what the country that's screwed up our water systems, our power system and pretty much turned the whole country side into a turkey shoot at a county fair thinks.
Mr. Friedman, you are not the center of the world although we understand your large ass does excerpt its own immense gravitational pull.
"Hell hath no fury . . ." Do you dare to lecture us about the spiritual world?
Your comments about politics in the Arab world reveal not only your arrogance but also your ignorance.
Did you think "murderous Sunni Baathists" would win you friends?
We invented the zero and you write like one.
Unless you are a young boy of eight or younger, we fear for the United States. If you are a prime example of a leading thinker than there must not be a great deal of thought coming out of your country.
You write of "the pressure on us . . ." While we are sorry that you have troubles, we have troubles too. Nowhere in your memo did you indicate that you were aware of that.
While we are sorry that so many innocents are suffering from the after effects of Hurricane Katrina, we are hopeful that the stress and need will at least prevent further damage to our own country by you and your ilk for a few days, if not weeks.
"New Orleans and Baghdad" reveals a childish mind. If it is housed in a child's body, we will merely chuckle. If you, Thomas Friedman, are an adult, we will worry for the state of your country when a nut job like you is allowed to freely dispense advice to strangers.