Friday, April 01, 2005

Thomas Friedman, my husband, is a great man

Thomas Friedman is a great man. Thomas Friedman is a wise man. Thomas Friedman is a well endowed man.

I know these things because he has taught me to repeat them. He says my heavy accent is almost gone.

Thomas Friedman is my husband but he does not like me to repeat that. He says he is a modest man.

Thomas Friedman tells me never worry because he's "on the job."

Nicholas Kristof is a nice man. Thomas Friedman says that is enough to ever say about Nicholas Kristof because he will get "the big head."

Thomas Friedman never gets the big head. He says that is because even someone as wise as Thomas Friedman cannot appreciate all the greatness that is Thomas Friedman.

Sometimes, I forget the things that Thomas Friedman is teaching me and Thomas Friedman always gently corrects me.

Thomas Friedman says, "Bettina, I, Thomas Friedman, and Nicholas did not rescue you so you could get this wrong."

I say, "Yes, Thomas Friedman. I am sorry. Would you like to play Iraqi invasion again?"

I do not always enjoy Iraqi invasion. Sometimes he plays Saddam and makes me be Chemical Ali. I do not like that because Thomas Friedman weeps whenever he plays Saddam.

Sometimes he plays Jay Garner and makes me play Donald Rumsfeld and beat him with a coat hanger while screaming, "You are useless!"

I like that game best because it is over faster.

My husband Thomas Friedman enriches my life. I say that fifty times each day. Thomas Friedman tells me if I say that fifty times a day, I will improve my English and be much wiser.
Thomas Friedman says if I work really hard, he will let me speak sometimes in public.

Thomas Friedman is so good to me. When I am stupid, Thomas Friedman smiles and says sweetly, "Bettina, you are a stupid cow." I did not even know I was a cow until Thomas Friedman told me.

But then before Nicholas Kristof rescued me from sex slavery and brought me here, I did not even know I was a sex slave. Thomas Friedman says I have a lot to learn.

Thomas Friedman is not always serious. Many times Thomas Friedman makes me laugh. Like when he reaches orgasm and yells, "Gut check time!"

The first time that happened I said to Thomas Friedman that he yelled so loud it hurt my ears. Thomas Friedman corrected me.

"Bettina, my little struggling democracy," Thomas Friedman said, "it is amusing."

To prove it, Thomas Friedman threw his head back and laughed so loud some plaster feel from the ceiling. So I laughed too. I laughed along with my husband, the great Thomas Friedman.

I like that Thomas Friedman let's me know when something is funny. Thomas Friedman worries that I will embarrass myself if I do not laugh at each of his jokes. When we are alone, Thomas Friedman will tell me, "That is funny. You laugh now."

I will laugh in the polite chuckles he is teaching me.

But when we are in public Thomas Friedman cannot tell me when to laugh at his jokes. "Bettina, my little backward nation," Thomas Friedman says, "if I tell you to laugh, people will think you are stupid."

Thomas Friedman looks out for me. Thomas Friedman came up with a signal where he rubs the bridge of his nose after he finishes speaking to let me know to chuckle.

But one time I cackled and Thomas Friedman told me later that I destroyed the evening for everyone.

I felt so bad I even agreed to play Richard Perle and Judy Miller. When we play Iraqi invasion I do not like to play Perle because it gets very messy and I am always the one who has to clean up after.

That was a complaint and I should not complain because I have nothing to complain about. As Thomas Friedman always tells me, "You should not complain because you have nothing to complain about."

Thomas Friedman is a great man and I am very lucky to be rescued from sex slavery and be with him. I will write more about Thomas Friedman, my husband, later. But it is close to one o'clock in the morning and he likes for me to have a snack waiting for him when he gets home: soda crackers and cheese from a can. Thomas Friedman says it is a delicacy.

I do not know because soda crackers are just for Thomas Friedman and I have to learn to keep my chubby hands off them. I know this because Thomas Friedman told me, "Bettina, those soda crackers are just for me and you better keep your chubby hands off them." But you should try them because you are not married to Thomas Friedman.